SCARAPY?
No need to take a vote on it, I'm a weirdo, so it should come as no surprise that when I'm having a spectacularly crappy day, the one thing that warms the cockles of the black, shrivelled up muscle I call my heart is horror movies. There's something about being creeped out that seems to act as a bullwark against the trials, tribulations, and general terrors of everyday life, especially when you add clinical depression and financial troubles to the mix. Whenever I'm having one of those moments where the main road outside my bedroom window is looking particularly attractive (and no, I'm not making light when I say that), I just make a selection from my dvd collection, pop it into the slot on the side of my TV, and press play. There's nothing like horror for completely monopolizing your attention and forcing you to concentrate on the terrible shenanigans going on in front of you, however loudly your brain is screaming at you to look away. If it's a straight choice between movies and real life horror, give me movies everytime. The following is a list of some of my favourites (in no particular order).
THE OMEN and THE EXORCIST. Feeling overwhelmed by your kid's behavioral issues? Bah! As much as your kid inspires the ire of teachers (and the mother's of the children he/she has managed to upset, scare, or co-opt into setting a snake free in the school bathrooms), at least you know where your kid came from and, when you call them a 'little devil,' you know it's a nickname, not a resume skill.
PSYCHO. However controlling or manipulative your mother may be, however many times she's managed to put a stopper on your love life or chase away your friends, you know she'll be a hell of a lot easier to cut out of your life than dear old Norma Bates.
TRICK 'R' TREAT. Hate men, your neighbours, or the little s#@ts you're forced to educate from nine til three everyday? Harbouring bloody revenge fantasies? Finding fiendish glee at the thought of inflicting an unmerciful death upon someone who so desperately deserves it? This movie will make you laugh, make you squirm, and keep you captive in front of your TV, away from the general public until the urges die down again.
THE LOST BOYS. New kid in town? Not fitting in? Willing to do ANYTHING to be accepted, but the cool kids won't initiate you? Put on a gypsy skirt/leather jacket, break out your best 80's idioms, laugh with the two Corey's (RIP Corey Haim, you legend), and pray to god you're not asked to drink gloopy red stuff from an ancient, bedazzled bottle at your next mixer.
ROSEMARY'S BABY. Do your neighbours come over a little too often for your liking? Do you think there might be something behind their kind nods and incessant offers of help? Do you find yourself standing with your ear to the air vent with a notepad in hand, ready to jot down any mention of your name? Sit yourself down in front of this late sixties shocker and thank your lucky stars you're not married to a narcisistic a-hole who is willing to rent out your womb to the dark lord in order to get himself a star on the walk of fame, you magnificent, paranoid bastard you!
IT FOLLOWS. Is your dance card filled up with names of guys you last saw climbing out your bedroom window at four in the morning? Are you worried about that odd, festering rash that won't go away? Take comfort in the knowledge that your affliction isn't likely to tail you wherever you go unless you close your eyes and think of (insert attractive mail celebrity here) as you nail that guy you met at band camp and pass it on to him.
Whatever the condition, horror will cure what ails ya!
